Did you know that subtle and unrecognized anxiety is a communicable disease that creates some of the most painful fights in relationships? Fortunately, if you know four secrets, you can inoculate yourself - and your relationships - against anxiety damage.
The first secret is that MOST PEOPLE DON'T RECOGNIZE THE SUBTLE FORMS ANXIETY CAN TAKE. Anxiety ranges from worry to fear to panic to terror. But, did you know that anger or rage, irritability or criticalness, perfectionism or rigidity, depression or suppression of feelings, self-deprivation or codependence, avoidance or excessive approval needs, and defensiveness or an impaired ability to concentrate, can all be symptoms of anxiety? Which of these symptoms do you experience when, secretly, you're fearful or anxious? Jot down your subtle anxiety symptoms - be sure to include others you experience that aren't part of the list above!
The second secret is that WHAT ANXIETY ACTUALLY IS IS A SECRET! Did you know that anxiety is actually the extent to which you don't trust yourself to take care of yourself, combined with the extent to which you feel alone. The less you trust yourself to take care of yourself in a particular situation or interaction, and the more alone you feel, the more anxious you will be. This is true even if your anxiety leaks out in any of the indirect forms we discussed above. The problem is that if you try to control your symptoms without dealing with the roots of your anxiety, it will only resurface over and over again - even when you feel better temporarily. In what situations do you not trust yourself to take care of yourself, or feel all alone in having to deal with?
The third secret is that MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT IS AT THE ROOT OF ANXIETY. We learn to tolerate unresolved anxiety because we were disconnected from, rather than soothed, as children when we were anxious or had other emotions. Consequently, most of us have never learned well enough how to soothe ourselves. One way to understand the "inner child" is to view it as the part of our past that lives in the present in an anxiety-full way. In turn, our inner critic is the part of us that validates our inner child's anxiety with all its criticisms, rules, perfectionism, expectations, etc. How active is your inner critic? Do you know the difference between self-soothing and anesthetizing your feelings?
The fourth secret is that if you know what to do with your anxiety, YOU CAN PREVENT ANXIETY CONTAGION - or stop it from escalating. If, as a child, your parents sent their anxiety back and forth between each other, or leaked their anxiety out onto you, you are likely to be take on other people's anxieties. If you weren't soothed effectively as a child, you are likely to feel anxiety is too scary or hopeless to "show up for" as an adult - in yourself or in others. All this means that you aren't going to trust yourself to deal with anxiety in your relationships. Since there is no such thing as an anxiety-free relationship, this can create quite a problem. Have you developed good self-soothing habits? Do you use them on yourself when you need to? Do you offer them to others when they need self-soothing?
In addition to learning how to self-soothe, here are four other things you can do to reduce your anxiety: