What About Jealousy?
Jealousy is a natural human emotion, the key is how you deal with jealousy. The word jealousy has negative connotations to most of society... it is time for people to come to the realization that jealousy itself is not negative. How people react to jealous feelings can be negative, but it is possible to overcome these negative instincts and use jealousy to our advantage. Jealousy is an obstacle to be conquered... the person who caused it is not the target.
The important thing to remember when jealousy is involved is that it takes the cooperation of both people involved. The person who feels the jealousy must be honest and open enough to discuss their feelings, and the partner must be willing to take the steps to alleviate that jealousy in order to strengthen the love of the relationship. There are two types of jealousy that commonly arise in a relationship:
Self-conscious jealousy is perhaps better termed as envy. It is not unusual to find yourself envious of another person's looks, skills, etc. It is important to remember that these types of jealous feelings are based in self-consciousness and insecurities, and to deal with them in a constructive manner.
Sometimes these jealous feelings are initiated unintentionally by your lover: You may feel a pang of jealousy when you notice your lover glance at another person. You need to learn that these feelings are usually unfounded, and you must not let them damage your relationship. Just because your lover admired something about another person, does not mean that you are loved any less, or that the person is more attractive than you are.
Other times, this type of jealousy is spontaneous, and has nothing to do with your lover or your relationship.
Be sure to discuss the jealousy with your partners, no matter how insignificant it may seem. It is important for them to be aware, so they can help you overcome the feelings by reassuring you of your own worth. Jealousy like this can also be channelled and the energy can be used for the betterment of yourself. This envy can help to keep your own determination strong, and can be used to motivate yourself to eat well, stay fit, take good care of yourself, improve your skills, be a better and more loving partner, etc.
Action-based jealousy is not about what another person is getting, it's about what you're not getting. At it's root, jealousy is the fear that you are going to lose something. It may or may not be based in actual fact. The problems arise when people feel jealous and they have good reason for it. In multi-partner relating, if you have a solid, committed relationship with a partner and your partner meets someone else who they see and are sexual with, unless that person is trying to steal your partner, jealousy is not warranted, but is present nevertheless for many.
If your lover is in a secondary relationship, and you feel that s/he is doing something for or with that person that s/he does not do in your relationship, you can begin to feel negative feelings. The same feelings can arise if you simply feel that since your partner has begun to devote time to a new relationship, your own relationship has been lacking. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner. More often than not, the difference in actions between relationships is unintentional, perhaps just an oversight in the excitement and pressure of the new relationship, and once you point them out to your lover, they will be more than happy to atone for their behavior and meet your needs.
Working through jealousy is one of the greatest rewards of multi-partner relating. The ability to live in world where the expression of love with another person is not seen as a message that you are somehow worth less to your partner is a much fuller and more free place to be than in a world of fear over imagined losses. You will also find that your partner's willingness to work through your jealousies and alleviate them will make you feel more secure in your relationship and in your partner's love for you.
*Definitions modified and used from "Loving More" and various informational publications