In this society, it is usually assumed that one is either single or in some form of monogamous relationship. At best, it is sometimes considered acceptable (barely) to "play the field" if one is not in a committed relationship. If one is in a committed relationship, it is with one person only, and any sexual and/or romantic involvement outside the relationship is "cheating". Both of these situations - "playing the field" and "cheating" - are still often subject to the classic double- standard of being more acceptable (or at least less unacceptable) for men than women.
There are people, however, who have chosen other types of committed relationships. These relationships come in many forms but have one thing in common. The people in these relationships have agreed to be non-monogamous - to step outside the standard two-person, sexually fidelitous and romantically fidelitous relationship.
Basic Vocabulary
Note: As with most of the rest of the English language, precise definitions of these words vary from person to person and from group to group. Your mileage may vary.
Closed - A relationship is closed if there is an agreement among the members not to get sexually and/or romantically involved with anyone outside the relationship. A monogamous relationship is a closed two- person relationship.
Group Marriage - A marriage involving more than two people. Not recognized by the U.S. government or most major religions in western society. Many people do it anyway, often making legal agreements that function similarly to the legalities involved in a usual marriage.
Open - A relationship is open if there is an agreement among the members that it is acceptable to get sexually and/or romantically involved outside of the relationship. Specific rules within a relationship about such involvement are usually negotiated to best fit the people in the relationship. For instance, one or more members may want prior notification of any outside involvement by another member.
Partner - Short for "life partner". Gender-free, hetero-assumption-free term for someone with whom one is involved, usually in a primary relationship.
Poly - Short for polyamorous, usually used as an adjective. A poly relationship is a non- monogamous relationship. A poly person is someone in, or at least interested in, a poly relationship. See polyamory.
Polyamory - Literally, "many loves". A generic term for non-monogamy, with a heavy emphasis on honestyand responsibility.
Polyandry - Having more than one husband.
Polyfidelity - Closed relationship involving more than two people. The members of a group marriage, for example, may limit their sexual/romantic involvement to members of the group. They could then be described as polyfidelitous.
Polygamy - Having more than one spouse.
Primary Relationship(s) - The relationship(s) which is (are) the most important and typically involve a high degree of commitment, such as the relationship with a marriage partner.
Safe Sex - Also known as safer sex. Ways of being sexual while trying to minimize the odds of contracting STDs (sexually transmitted diseases), particularly AIDS. This is done by minimizing the exchange of bodily fluids (especially semen, vaginal secretions, and blood), usually by using latex barriers such as condoms and dental dams for intercourse and oral sex, and/or by limiting sexual practices to less risky ones (e.g. mutual masturbation).
Secondary Relationship(s) - Close, ongoing emotional and/or sexual relationship(s), but with a lesser degree of commitment than a primary relationship.
Sex Negative - An adjective used to describe people who think of sexuality in general (and/or any sexuality different from their own) as dirty or distasteful.
Sex Positive - An adjective often used to describe people who are comfortable with their own sexuality and sexuality in general.
Swinging - A sub-culture of people who enjoy being sexual with acquaintances and/or friends. This word seems to be a point of some contention. Many people happily self-identify as swingers, many others reject that in favor of "poly", which is more generic. Some self- identified poly people associate "swinging" with sexist, indiscriminate, dishonest, and/or risky sexual behavior. The truth is probably that behavior like this probably does or doesn't happen no matter what the participants call themselves.
Tertiary Relationship(s) - Emotional and/or sexual relationship(s) with little, sporadic, or no ongoing involvement.
Triad - A relationship involving three people.
Honesty is as important in a poly relationship as it is in a monogamous one, perhaps more so. The most basic form this takes is honesty about ones relationship(s). Because of the assumptions in this society about monogamy, if someone is secretly non- monogamous, that someone is being dishonest, not poly.
Additionally, it is very important to keep lines of communication open in poly relationships. Sexuality is a very emotionally- charged issue in this society, and even those of us who feel comfortable challenging societal assumptions need to talk things out. Indeed, talking things out is more necessary if one doesn't make assumptions, as people who decide not to follow the assumed path often need to make their own path, which takes careful consideration.
There are few people who don't at least sometimes feel the bite of the green monster. Jealousy can be a sign that one is either not getting one's needs met or is afraid of not getting one's needs met, and should talk this over with the other person (/people) in the relationship. Jealousy can also be a sign of possessiveness, in which case one should examine one's attitudes about a relationship as ownership of a person. Jealousy is neither proof of love (as some people feel) nor proof of emotional immaturity (as some other people feel).
Absent the (typically assumed) monogamy agreement, people in a poly relationship generally make a specific agreement about sexual and/or romantic behavior outside the relationship. Different examples of agreements include (but are not limited to):
Each of these is an agreement on its own, or can be combined in various ways. Note that agreements do not have to be symmetrical - for example, one person in a relationship could decide not to get sexually involved outside the relationship, but that it's fine if the other (/another) member is.
The major point here is that for polyamory to work, it should be considered, discussed, and mutually ageed upon by everybody involved.
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