1. Every morning make a conscious commitment to
eliminate
blame, criticism, and invalidation from your side of the
relationship.
If it leaks out, acknowledge it, and apologize to your
partner.
2. Pay attention to and express appreciation for positive
things
your partner says or does--no matter how small!
3. Ask your partner to write down what makes him/her feel
loved
and special. Do the same for yourself. Exchange lists. Then,
every day,
no matter how you feel about him or her, do one loving/caring
behavior
for your partner!
4. Honestly look at the things YOU do that you know are
not helpful
to the relationship. If you want something different, you
need to
do something different!
5. Develop compassion for your partner and for yourself.
Reactive,
defensive thoughts, words and behavior are ways we protect
ourselves
from "danger". Watch yourself reacting and ask
yourself, "What
does this remind me of from my own past?" and, "
What
can I do differently at this point to become safer for my
partner?"
6. Ask very specifically for what you need and say
'why' it
is important to you. Your partner cannot read your mind and
actually experiences
life differently than you do!
7. Learn new skills that make communication safe and
effective for
both of you.
8. Know that both romantic love and the power struggle are
not the
destination, but are stages on the road to 'real love'.
Frustration and
conflict are keys for healing and growth for both of you!
9. Read Getting the Love You Want, by Harville
Hendrix, Ph.D.,
for new understanding of underlying issues that fuel frustration
in your
relationship and of ways to co-create a better relationship.
10. Most relationships can be 'saved' and transformed, and
getting
rid of the partner does not get rid of the 'problem'! If you
think you
need help, call for an appointment. You can create the
relationship you
want.
Copyright 1995, Dawn J. Lipthrott,
MSW Orlando,
Florida