When one is in a relationship, regardless of whether there is a definite commitment or not, it is important to discuss values on occasion. Without the discussion of values, there is no way to know what the other person perceives to be their position in the relationship, or the future of the relationship. Also, there is the possibility of finding out the hard way that your partner never intended to form a certain kind of commitment to you - one that you had assumed from the start.

Society, and in particular modern Western Society, has put the monogamous marriage contract at the summit of relationship achievement. To have a solid and good monogamous marriage is one accomplishment that couples take pride in. Anything outside of this model is considered adultery by many religions, or at the least, bigamy. We have no legal structure that supports other relationship models other than the couple, and even domestic partnerships are only recently recognizing that 2 people of the same sex have the same rights that people in a hetero marriage have.

Many people are very uncomfortable about exploring the variety of relationships that can exist, thinking that loving more than one person will open a Pandora's box of problems:

• The more conservative of this line of thought believe loving one than more person is 'cheating' and does not honor the bond between 2 people. They believe in the 'sanctity of marriage' and that their religion is the final word on how humans should live their lives. The main problem with polyamory: It is wrong, and goes against everything they believe in, period.

• Those in the middle believe, somehow, that being involved with more than one person is bound to lead to problems; that a triad or polyamorous network couldn't possibly be stable or work in the long run. Their thoughts are that polyamory is somehow to be equated with "cheating", and that if you are in a committed relationship with someone (marriage or otherwise) that only true romance and true love can occur between 2 people. They believe that to be truly committed to someone, you only have enough time and resources to devote to that one person. And spending time with someone else somehow makes the relationship less "special". The main problem with polyamory: It doesn't fit society's, as well as their own (which they may have trouble separating), model of the ultimate relationship. Romance and true love can only occur between 2 people.

• Then there are the people who are more liberal about their approach to polyamory. They have a "live and let live" attitude, in which they cite that whatever works for some people might not work for others, but shoot, if that's what they want to do, fine. They have nothing against anyone practicing polyamory and are at times curious about whether the lifestyle would work for them, but perhaps have never had the chance to enter such a relationship. The main problem with polyamory: Well. there really isn't a problem here, but they haven't experienced a polyamorous relationship firsthand and may deny themselves a try at it out of fear, out of wondering what "others" would say, out of skepticism that it would work for them personally.

• The last group, of course, are those who are practicing polyamory or have in the past, who see it in some way as a positive outgrowth of the type of relationships they've had before, and a lifestyle they wish to commit themselves to. The main problem with polyamory: It isn't perfect! People who are already practicing polyamory have come to realize that they will encounter the same problems in polyamorous relationships as you do in monogamous ones. Any type of relationship carries certain risks. A polyamorous relationship can break up as much as a monogamous one can. People are people, and in any relationship there will be issues - romantic, sexual, financial, etc.

People have different viewpoints about polyamory and why it is or isn't an acceptable lifestyle for them. In the end, any relationship form has its ups and downs, whether one is single, committed, married, or in another situation.

Now that all this is said and done, do you know where you stand on the issue? What are your feelings and thoughts about polyamory? Do they coincide with the thoughts of any of the groups of people mentioned, or do they have a variation or shade all their own? How much of your thoughts about what a "solid relationship" is come from your religious upbringing, experience with relationships, evidence of the success/failure of relationships around you, or what society tells you is a "solid relationship"? If you try to separate yourself from religious and societal messages about what a "solid relationship" is, how would you define one?

Now that you have been shot through with questions, put them aside and deal with them later. One important exercise that should be accomplished is to sit down and think about your own expectations (whether you are in a relationship or not). This is an ongoing process and your own expectations about a relationship and about what your needs are will change over time. Also, once you realize your own expectations, you will be able to initiate a dialogue with someone else about them. So many relationships - monogamous and otherwise - have come apart at the seams because people entered the relationship with their own set of expectations and they did not tell each other what they were. People enter a new relationship and often automatically assume their partner wants the same things they want - otherwise, why were they attracted to each other and/or fall in love with each other?. Sadly, but honestly, the truth is that people often enter a relationship with different expectations about certain things. And the only way anyone in that relationship is going to know what those expectations are is to TALK about it. A safe and supportive environment has to be there, where the two of you can sit down and honestly discuss your individual expectations. From there, you can share what expectations make you comfortable or uncomfortable, and hopefully overcome or accept that certain expectations will make either of you uncomfortable.

Opening up an "expectations dialogue" with your partner is important and often affirms the positive aspects of one's relationship. It can clear the air about any misunderstandings or misconceptions about what each partner thinks about the relationship, and allow the path for growth to be more open and loving. But note that this act is not for the weak of heart, and that you may find out surprising thoughts or beliefs that your partner has had that you did not know about. You my find that you disagree with some of their expectations and will never be moved to accept them. And the ultimate risk may be that you discover that neither of you have a future together; that because a particular situation or factor had not entered the relationship yet you were still together - but if this situation or factor occurred in the near future it would be enough to tear the two of you apart. For example: One of you expects marriage as a given part of life in the future, while the other person may not believe in marriage at all. When people are in the "romantic" phase of a relationship, dialogue about values is often left untouched because people are afraid "to ruin things". This is a very tricky part of opening up a dialogue about values, because we fear rejection from the one we love. But at the same time, if the truth comes out there can also be a potential for greater love when people discover that all or most of their values "click".

Before you can discuss your expectations about your relationship with someone, it is important to have a healthy amount of self-knowledge. The road to a good relationship, whether you are single, in a couple, or in a polyamorous relationship already, is to know what make you comfortable or uncomfortable, know what your needs and desires are, and to know the why and why nots as to the reasons behind choosing one lifestyle or relationship form over another. Communication is key.

In order to do this, use the "Relationships & Values" worksheet. It is a fairly in-depth examination of yourself, to sit down and seriously think about how you view your role in a relationship, and whether or not polyamory is an option for you as an individual. Be as honest and succinct as you can in answering the questions, as they will clearly outline your feelings about certain issues and values which affect all relationships.