So -- how do you decide to have sex with someone? Some people think that we polys are looking for all the sex we can get. It's the old "promiscuity" stereotype. And some polys do refer to themselves as "sluts" for comic or ideological reasons. But most polys, I suspect, don't just go hopping into bed with people. Some of us are downright old-fashioned. We've carefully trained ourselves to approach relationships with our heads as well as our hearts, ethically as well as lustily. So...how do you decide when to add sex to your relationship?
Leaving aside ethical questions initially, how do you even know that you want to have sex with someone? For me, it isn't just a question of physical attraction. This is a personal matter. What satisfies me may not satisfy you. Here are some of my "needs":
I need to feel cared for and safe. I need to feel wanted. I need to feel comfortable and relaxed. I need to know that my lover wants to be sexual. The sexuality has to feel "natural" not "forced".
I only really enjoy sex in the context of a relationship; outside of one I can't relax. I wouldn't enjoy sex with a person just because I happened to be "horny" (I would know that I was just "using" them for the sex). Sex with a lover and a lover's friend might be okay; that would still be "in the context" of the relationship with my lover. Generally, though, I prefer my sex-mate to be a "part" of my life in some way. That way sex occurs naturally as one aspect of my life. Sex should happen regularly as a natural part of life -- and by sex I include all erotic activity, not simply intercourse or orgasm.
I would prefer to put no limits on my sexuality other than those necessary for hygiene, ie. "safe sex". Otherwise you run the danger of arbitrarily stigmatizing acts of physical pleasure.
A partner does have the right to request certain behavior. But I'm not convinced that they have a right to demand it. Partners do have the right to refuse to do something. As far as my relationship with people other than my primary partners, I don't believe in "veto" power -- but I do believe that partners should take each other's concerns seriously.
How would I ask my partners to treat me? I would ask them not to ignore me and not to exploit me. I would ask them to practice "safe" sex. I would hope that they would feel "committed" to me in some sense. Such things would keep me happy for quite some time.
You might ask yourself what you want from your lovers (in addition to the sex, of course!). It never hurts to have thought these things through!